Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse



Ted is extremely worried about the forfeit that Father Dick Byrne has set him; in fact, Ted is already resigned to thinking about his next parish, one much worse than Craggy Island (in his mind, some tropical islands where the locals, disapproving of John Paul II's opinion on contraception, sacrifice him to their 'Volcano God'), where Bishop Brennan will inevitably send Ted after he kicks him up the arse. Dougal will have to take a photograph of the act as proof for Dick, and Dick also calls Bishop Brennan, telling him that the perfect outline of the bishop's face has miraculously appeared in theskirting board of the Craggy Island parochial house, so the bishop arranges to visit Ted as soon as possible.

After Ted nervously talks (to himself) all night, he and Dougal are surprised by Bishop Brennan's early arrival, with his assistant, Father Jessup, the most sarcastic priest in Ireland. The bishop cannot stay for long, because he is attending an audience with the Pope the following day (which Dougal believes is an episode of the TV show An Audience with...). Ted's efforts to do the forfeit first time round end up with him hurling himself out of the upper floor window after seeing Jessup watching him, while Father Jack manages to annoy Brennan and Jessup to no end. Mrs. Doyle is shown not to understand sarcasm at all, and is advised by Ted to just do the opposite of whatever Jessup says, which ends up being rather problematic when Jack imprisons Jessup in his underpants hamper. Mrs. Doyle misunderstands Jessup's request to be let out, having been told that Jessup is always sarcastic and that he means the opposite of what he says, and happily leaves him there.

Ted eventually manages to carry out the forfeit, acting on Dougal's suggestion to kick Bishop Brennan and then act like he hadn't done so, the reasoning being that Ted's fear of the Bishop is so well-known that Brennan would never believe Ted would do such a thing. After the kick, however, Bishop Brennan is shocked into a catatonic state that lasts well beyond the duration of his visit, until around halfway through a trip to the Vatican for an audience with the Pope. In the meantime, Ted gets drunk and orders Dougal to take the film down to the local chemists and get prints made, along with an enlarged ten by ten inch version for himself.

Brennan snaps out of his catatonic state just as he is due to greet the pontiff, exclaiming "He did kick me up the arse!", shoving the Holy Father aside and flying back to Craggy Island in utmost anger. Ted wakes to find the furious Bishop charging towards his house, breaking the door down and running up to his room. Ted eventually manages to convince a raging Brennan that he didn't kick him in the arse, but on his way out, Brennan sees a massive ten by ten foot version of the photo that Dougal had made (having misunderstood Ted's request), which is now propped up on the side of the parochial house that shows Ted kicking him up the arse. Once again enraged, Bishop Brennan gets his revenge on Ted by kicking him in the arse, sending him flying across the field outside the house with Ted falling on his arse.